Drag Queen Of Doom
by yumeneko
Summary: This little Snow White spoof deals with wacky crossdressing queens, betraying henchmen, yaoi shots and lots of crazy stuff only a psycho can think of. It ain't over 'till the fat youkai sings!!
1. QUI!

DRAG QUEEN OF DOOM

By yumeneko

Featuring Hibiemi Hoshizora and Quietus!

---

Hibiemi: There once was a castle in a far-away land...

Qui: And it was the loveliest palace in all of Pandemonium!

(Hibiemi bonks Quietus on the head)

Hibiemi: Well... It was. 

Qui: And within in was the loveliest drag queen in the world... MOI!

Hibiemi: I wonder how did I get around to turning a Sanzo-obsessed villain into the Drag Queen Of Doom who looks like Hakkai...?

Qui: Shut up and give me a bra...

Sanzo: I know you and Quietus are not related... but tell me, why does he look uncannily like you?

Hakkai: Anou... It all started with someone calling me a gay... Then Hibi lost her sanity as she wrote Never Eternal. That's when Quietus entered the story. Quietus became obsessed with catching you that he merged with the taunt of that person who called me a gay... 

Sanzo: And that made the Drag Queen Of Doom?

Hakkai: That made Quietus my gay clone.

Sanzo: Then what are you?

Hakkai: I'm your lover and never to be referred to as a bra-wearing, Sanzo-obsessed, Hakkai-clone, hellbent on uniting with San... erm SEIRYUU!! and taking over the world.

Qui: Behold!! I shall unite with San... erm SEIRYUU!! and take over the world!

Hibi: Back to the story... In the castle with the Drag Queen Of Doom lived a very droolworthy prince named Sanzo whose lips were soft as petals, hair as bright as sun, eyes as purple as irises and skin as white as snow (faints and gets up again) ... who did the chores.

(Enter Rag-wearing Sanzo in front of a well with a cloth and a bucket of water)

Sanzo *singing*: I'm wishing...

(echo): I'm wishing...

Sanzo: For the one I love...

(echo): For the one I love...

Sanzo: To find me...

(echo): To find me...

Sanzo: Today...

(Hakkai's voice): SANZO! ABUNAI!!

(from the well enters Sadako who holds Sanzo by the neck. Fortunately, Hakkai blasts the damn fake away with his ki)

Hibiemi (taking off the Sadako costume): DAMN! (walks away and hides in the bushes)

(Sanzo runs away at the sight of Hibiemi and escapes to the balcony of the castle)

Hakkai *singing*: One song... I have but one song... One song only for thee... One song my heart keeps singing... Of one love, only for you...

Hibiemi: How suave indeed...

Sanzo: I wanna get out of this castle quick...

Hibiemi: Unknown to the two young lovers, Queen Qui was watching them from afar...

Qui (looking like the queen from Snow White): Damn!! Sanzo's attracted to that bard!! Grr... MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE PERFECT GUY FOR SANZO?

(The mirror awakens to reveal Hibiemi again)

Qui: YOU! Of all people!! You're not even attracted to him!!

Hibi: Pipe down... I'm the mirror. We lacked cast and crew so I'm the only extra here... So my dear Queen, I have some news for ya. It ain't you who's the perfect one... It's Hakkai-sama! Perfect chemisty!! They're the best!! 38 forever!! I loooooooo-

Qui: Shut up... You're just saying your script... Anyway... I SHALL STEAL SANZO AWAY!!

Hibi: Shut up... Their love is unbreakable!!

Qui: I don't care!! If you don't give me a plan to steal Sanzo, I'm banning you from playing Dead Or Alive!

Hibi: It's okay... I can live a day without watching womens breasts bounce...

Qui: I'll ban you from watching Gravitation!

Hibi: It's okay... you're not my mother...

Qui: I'll kill Blueberry!

Blueberry: Meow...

Hibi: NOOOOOOO!! Anything but her!!

BlueB: Meow...

Qui: Then you'll give me the plan?

Hibi: Sweet Blueberry... Cute Blueberry... 

Qui: Hibi...?

(Looks around and sees that Hibi's playing Dead Or Alive again with Blueberry)

Hibi: Bounce... bounce... bounce... This is a good alternative to Yaone-bashing...

(Qui walks off and dons Hakkai's clothes)

Qui: Ha ha ha ha ha!! Sanzo will never know the difference... Oh and my faithful huntsman?

(Hibi reappears again)

Hibi: Yes, Milord... erm... Milady?

Qui: It's Milordy. Anyway, I want you to go kill Hakkai for me and bring me his banana...

Hibi: You're one wicked Drag Queen... I don't think I can chop off his thing...

Qui: JUST DO IT!! Or else... BRING IN THE GUILLOTINE!! I'm chopping off your hands so you can't type fiction anymore.

Hibi: You keep on threatining me... (goes off with her katana)

-- To be continued --


	2. I'm wishing

Thanks to Fall and Sano for the inspiration here... Fortunately, I hired more cast! Please welcome Nataku, Goku, Lirin and Nii!

Hibiemi: A hunting I will go, a hunting I will go... Hi-ho-di-derrio, a hunting I will go...

+++

Meanwhile in a glade of flowers...

(Sanzo's humming that One Song while Evil Drag Queen Qui posing as Hakkai watches him from afar)

Qui: (giggles fangirlishly) As soon as he turns here I'll tackle him down and...

Nii Jen Yi: Queeny!! How are you?

Qui: Niiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! How dare you spoil this perfect moment!!

Nii: Okay, okay... I'll hide here behind a rock...

Sanzo (seeing the fake Hakkai): Shut up, Qui, it won't work on me!!

Qui: How did you know that I was Qui!?!

Sanzo: I shall put an end to you once and for all!! *opens a lightsaber*

Qui: You will never defeat me!! *opens a lightsaber*

(Star Wars BGM is playing in the background)

Qui: Join me and we shall rule the world togethaaaaaaa!

Sanzo: NEVER!!

Qui: You cannot escape me, Lu-- este-- Sanzo! I AM YOUR FA--este--MOTHER!!!

Sanzo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *runs into the forest*

Nii: Aww... He ran away.

Qui: Quickly, Nii, to the QuiCave!

(The two jump into the QuiMobile and speed off)

+++

Hibiemi: Ahh... Where can Hakkai-niichan be?

Hakkai: Ohayou, Hibi-chan!

Hibiemi: Ne, Onii-san, can I chop off your bandana?

Hakkai: Are you mad?

Hibi: It's the queen's request.

Hakkai: Okay, okay... *gives his bandana to Hibi*

Hibi: Yay! At least the queen didn't order me to chop off your banana!

Hakkai: I think she/he did. Anyway, just to be safe, why don't you chop of the things of those pigs there?

Hibi: Thank you very much...

(Hibi goes off into the pig pen and lots of squealing is heard)

Hibi: Ick... I can't believe that in this box holds the penis of a pig.

Hakkai: At least I can still love Sanzo...

Hibi: At least Queen Qui won't put me to the guillotine... I'm scared of that thing...

+++

In the woods, Sanzo ends up in front of a little cottage...

Sanzo: What in heck is this cottage doin' over here? I'll go inside.

Inside the cottage, it looked as if three little monkeys were playing in it. 

Sanzo: Looks like I've got this whole pigsty to myself... (plops on top of three beds labeled Nataku, Goku and Lirin)

+++

Meanwhile, in the same forest Sanzo went into were three little monkeys...

Goku: Ei, Lirin, did you see Sanzo pass by?

Lirin: I did!

Nataku: Ore mo!

Goku: Let's see if he went into our house...

Lirin: I think so...

Nataku: Ore mo!

-- To be Continued --


	3. THIS GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, SANZO!

Hibiemi: Kehehehehe... *shoves a mic at Sanzo*

Sanzo: Nani?!? *looks at mic* You want me to sing?

Hibiemi: *nods* Un! Sing this!! *shoves unknown lyrics into Sanzo's hands and runs away laughing*

Sanzo: NOOOOOO!! I can't sing this... I can't... I can't...

(from backstage) Hibiemi and a few other Filipino 83 fans: This guy's in love with you, Sanzo...

Sanzo: Why ask me to sing that song... It speaks rejection!!

Hibiemi: I don't care!! Kiss and make up!!

*other 83 fans support the answer*

Sanzo: OKAY!! I give up now... But I swear, Hibiemi Hoshizora, I shall kill you...

*Hibiemi sticks her tounge out at Sanzo. Sanzo sees a lemon pulp on her tounge*

Sanzo: You've been sucking on lemons again...

Hibiemi: You can't kill me... *dissappears* Translated for the benefit for the non-Pinoy... Pinoys, don't kill me for me sucky translation...

(open scene... Lirin is passing by Yaone)

Lirin: This guy's in love with you, pare (1)

       [This guy's in love with you, man/Sanzo]

Yaone: ...ano? [what?]

(Gojyo hits the drums and Goku starts playing a tune on the guitar)

Sanzo: One look and then yun iba na 

      [One look and then it's different]

       malagkit, dumikit ang tingin ng mata 

      [Sticky, the gaze of our eyes stuck]

       one smile,iba na ang ibig sabihin

      [One smile, it's got a different meaning]

       'di na friends,ang tingin nya sa akin

      [His looks at me as if we aren't just friends anymore]

       everyday parating we're together

      [Everyday, we're usually together]

       every week,palaging may sleepover

      [Every week, there's always a sleepover]

       ang tawag nya sa mommy ko ay tita

      [He calls my mommy, "Aunt"]

       bakit ba,di ko non nakita

      [Why then, I didn't see that...]

       until out of the blue,im feeling so true

       bigla nalang sinabi sa akin that

      [Suddenly someone said to me that...] 

Several Pinoy 83 fans: This guy's in love with you pare

                       this guy's in love with you pare

                       this guy's in love with you pare

                       bading na bading sayo.. (2)

                       [Totally gay over you...]

Sanzo: di ako makasagot ng telepono

       [I can't answer the telephone]

       palagi nyang kausap ang parents ko

       [He keeps on talking to my parents]

       kulang daw sa tulog at di na makakain

       [Saying that he can't sleep and can't eat]

       bakit ba? di pa non inamin (3) 

       [Why then? It wasn't guessed...]

       until out of the blue,im feeling so true

       bigla nalang sinabi sa akin that

       [Suddenly someone said to me that...]

Several Pinoy 83 fans: This guy's in love with you pare

                       this guy's in love with you pare

                       this guy's in love with you pare

                       bading na bading sayo.. (2)

                       [Totally gay over you]

Sanzo:  everyday daw ay rainy day ang monday

        [It's said that Monday is a rainy day]

        'coz 'di na ko maaya to come out and play

        ['coz I can't find the strength to come out and play]

        tinataguan na nga,palaging late o absent

        [It's already hiding, always late or absent]

        ang sabi parin

        [It's still said that...]

       "i'll always have a friend that you can depend"

        oohh...

        di kailangan na mag-oonn... 

(Sanzo's thoughts: Hakkai, forgive me... I still love you...)

        [We don't need to be oonn]

        parang talong at bagoooong... (4)

        [Just like eggplants and shrimp paaaaaasteee] 

Sanzo with the same bunch of fans:

        this guy's in love with you pare

        this guy's in love with you pare

        this guy's in love with you pare

Sanzo:  bading na bading

        [Totally gay...]

        converted parin

        [Also converted...]

        na nakikipag-fling sayo..

        [Who's having a fling with you]

(Pinoy fans repeat the chorus)

Sanzo:  oh no! my bestfriend's gay

        it's the same old friend i had yesterday

        and he's at me.. and gay...yeah..yeah..

        na na na nananana na nanan na (2x)

Sanzo: Ahhhhhh!! Hakkai!! *falls into Hakkai's arms*

Hakkai: Don't worry, Sanzo... I know it's just the song... Who loves you? Who loves you?

Sanzo: You do, you do... *kisses Hakkai* But don't tell me you're flipping over to the Quietus side...

Hakkai: Never... Not unless he starts possessing me...

(Gojyo gives that 'gaze' to both Sanzo and Hakkai)

Hakkai and Sanzo: Uh-oh... Our bestfriend's gay... O.O

Sanzo: I'm not letting him ruin our relationship!!

Hakkai: Nigete!!

(The two run away to the next scene of "Drag Queen Of Doom")

Hibi's Notes:

(1) Pare - literarily "my friend", but this is always used on men. The feminine version of Pare is Mare (the pronounciation is syllable by syllable Pa-re and Ma-re) That's why I translated it using "man" or "Sanzo" since it refers to him as "Pare". It's not such a big deal...

(2) Bading na bading sayo - Usually, when an adjective is repeated, it expresses totality. So it IS literarily "Totally gay". And the sayo part? That, I am confused with... According to my friend, he translates it as "Totally gay for you", I use a different translation, "Totally homosexually over you" neither of us know the real translation... so I just put there "Totally gay over you"

(3) bakit ba? di pa non inamin - I am not sure on what it means... So I just guessed the answer... Man, do I suck...

(4) Talong at Bagoong - Eggplants (Talong) and Shrimp paste (Bagoong). My dad says they taste very good together... My grandpa says that, too. I say "I hate eggplants". But can we have Green Mangoes and Shrimp paste? I love that! But who knows... I'll see how Eggplants and Shrimp paste taste like...

-Back to our feature comedy...-


	4. Little plot

Sanzo: Never shall I sing that song again...

Hakkai: Let's not mind that... We'll have a bit of fun later...

Hibiemi: I made a bet with Toraneko on my humor... You two will die when she loses!!

*Sanzo and Hakkai go bug-eyed*

Back in the castle of Drag Queen Qui...

Qui: Loyal hunts lady!!

Hibiemi: Hai, Milordy...

Qui: Now where is that thing I asked you to chop off?

(Hibi gives Qui the box with a pig's penis)

Qui: I'm so happy!!

Nii (whispers to Hibi): Are you sure he/she won't notice that it's a pig's penis?

Hibi: Trust me... I know how this story turns out...

Nii: Are you betraying our queen?!?

Hibi: I am not!! Our real queen... ahem... king is SANZO!!

Nii: No! I disagree! We are under the rule of Queen Qui!!

Hibi: Who would like to work under a crossdresser!?

Nii: I would!! *Rips off his clothes to reveal ladies wear*

Hibi: At least I've got a bisexual orientation according to my DNA!

Nii: ME TOO!! That's according to my DNA... BUT I SHALL CROSSDRESS!!

Hibi: I shan't!! *Draws out her katana* You can't defeat me, you damn scientist!

Nii: *draws out drugs* No... You will be defeated!!

Hibi: *laughs* Are you crazy!? I've developed immunity to your gay formula!!

Nii: Noooooooooooo!!

Qui: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?! I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS A PIG'S PENIS!! I just need one for my potion...

Nii: You know the experiment will go terribly wrong when you use the wrong ingredients...

Qui: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is still the perfect guy for Sanzo?

Hibi: Hai... It's still Hakkai... Duh... I didn't take away his thing...

Qui: Noooooooooooo!! Tell me where my Sanzo is!!

Hibi: He's where three little monkeys live... Over the three jeweled hills to where their cottage stands in between three great oaks...

Nii: How come I keep on seeing the number 3 everywhere?

Hibi: Your name and Qui both have three letters in them. We have three little monkeys, three jeweled hills, three great oaks... and Sanzo's name has the number 3 in it.

Qui and Nii: Oooooo... Sou ka...

+++

Meanwhile, back in the three little monkey's cottage...

(Goku pokes the sleeping Sanzo with a stick)

Sanzo: Would you like to die once, saru-tachi!?!

3 Monkeys: KOWAII!!

Nataku: Who are you?

Sanzo: Aren't you supposed to know?

Goku: It says in the script...

Sanzo: Okay, okay... (Mimics Snow White) I'm Genjo Sanzo... and I'm a prince.

(The 3 monkeys nod)

Sanzo: And my evil "mother" the Drag Queen Qui, wants to unite with... MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!!

Lirin: That Queen's crazy!!

Goku: He/She'll go to any lengths just to get you!

Nataku: Yeah!!

Sanzo: Exactly... That's why I want to kill him/her...

Lirin: But then, there must be someone you have in mind...

Goku: Tell us something about him!!

Sanzo: How did you know it was male??

Nataku: It says in the script...

Sanzo *sings*: Someday, my prince will come... Lalalaallalala... And wedding bells will ring... Someday, when my dreams come true...

3 Monkeys: SAP!! Anyway... This guy--

Sanzo: URUSAI!!

3 Monkeys: s... in love with you, SANZO!!

(Sanzo's face goes blank)

+++

Back in the castle of the Drag Queen Qui...

Qui: Now... Where's that potion book? Hibi, any plot?

Nii: TRAITOR!!

Qui: I don't care!! We need as many henchmen as we can get...

Nii: Oh, Qui-sama... You are the greatest...

Hibi: Ahem... On the plot? Go over to their cottage dressed as Hakkai with poisoned yakisoba. One noodle of the yakisoba will make him... What do we do with him?

Nii: We can just knock him out and the three monkeys will just send his body over here...

Hibi: Darn... Qui-sama would have liked the potion where Sanzo would lose his sanity and Qui-sama could unite with... HAM, PORK AND SAUSAGES, OH MY!!

Nii: We just don't know which damn potion to use...

Hibi: Do we go clean or dirty...? You know I'm a traitor to Qui-sama... But I'm still his/her henchman...

Qui: Yakisoba? What about a picnic basket full of food?

Hibi (to the audience): Isn't he/she the fool? We all know that those saru would eat up everything in the basket! Not unless...

(To Queen Qui) Not unless, we lure the saru away! Now all we need is another commercial break to brainstorm... Oi, Nii, what does it say in your formula?

Nii: How about making Sanzo sleep and will only awaken when he trades spit with someone with the DNA of Qui-sama?

Hibi (to the audience): Quietus is genetically engineered... Built from the same DNA structure as Hakkai... Only difference is the way he/she thinks... I must help Hakkai-sama out... Good. This will be so easy... There's one strand of hair in Hakkai's bandana... Good... Now all we need is another commercial break for me to screw up the formula...

-- To be continued --


	5. COMMERCIALS! Whoopie doo!

Togenkyo Geographic's "$100 Jeep Ride"

Gojyo: Wonder how far $100 takes a jeep? Ride on and find out.

(Video clip of Quietus giving Hakkai $100 and Hakkai throws Quietus out of the jeep and runs off with Sanzo)

Gojyo: Don't miss it! $100 Jeep Ride! Only on Togenkyo Geographic Channel...

(Video clip of Hakkai dancing naked in front of Sanzo waving a $100 bill)

+++

Nii-hakase's ad for the musical "Monkeys"

Nii: Don't miss the musical of the century! Monkeys!

(Video Clip of Goku, Lirin, Nataku and a whole chorus of Monkeys performing on stage)

Monkeys: Jellicle songs for jellicle apes! Jellicle songs for jellicle apes!

Nii: Now staging in the Tenjiku theatre from April 7 to 12! Don't miss it!

+++

The Monk Shopping Channel, "I-Wanna-Be-Sanzo Kit"

Fake Sanzo: Are you sulking your days away in your temple?

(Video clip of a monk bored in his room)

Fake Sanzo: Get out of your little room! Get out of that temple! And parade around as the great Sanzo-sama!

(Video clip of the monk now using the I-Wanna-Be-Sanzo kit)

Fake Sanzo: And reap rewards!

(Video clip of the monk getting free food and preaching to everyone)

Fake Sanzo: Call now to obtain this great kit! Available for $800! 

Disclaimer: Themakerofthe"I-Wanna-Be-Sanzo"kitisnotresponsibleforanybruises,woundsandinjuriesmadebytherealSanzo.

+++

Togenkyo TV's insert advertisement

Hibiemi: Would you like your ad on air? Don't just stand there listening to me! Go pick up that phone and ask for us to put your ad on air!

(Video clip of Gojyo picking up the phone and asking Hibiemi to put his ad for hot sex on air)

Here's a commercial of one of our satisfied clients!

(Video clip of Gojyo playing around with hot chicks advertising hot sex)

So don't just stand there! Get your ass off that chair and get your ad on air now!

+++

HBO Togenkyo's ad for, "Gone with the Jeep"

Commentator: A story of love, pain and jeeps...

(Video clip of Hakkai running away with Sanzo and the jeep)

Hibiemi: I'm sorry this ad was cut off, we have an announcement... Togenkyo TV's giving $8000 to the best advertisement put on air through our ad request agency! Call now and get a complimentary "I-Wanna-Be-Gojyo" kit!

-We will be waiting for more advertisements... Please post your advertisements on Togenkyo TV. -


	6. A 100 dollar jeep ride? With yaoi?

Sanzo: Welcome to the $100 Jeep Ride! Today, we'll be touring this town by night on a jeep paying $100 to ride with no exact destination... Now let's meet our lucky driver... Cho Hakkai! 

(Sanzo gets into the jeep)

Hakkai: Konbanwa, Sanzo... *hearts*

Sanzo: What would $100 take me to?

Hakkai: Hmm... That's more than enough to go around this town... Why don't I throw in a few freebies? Let's say I follow your commands when you say so?

(Sanzo plots evilly)

Sanzo: Good... *hearts* (to the audience) Now we go around this wonderful town and our first stop is a park where we see Gojyo making out on a park bench with a very sexy lady.

Hakkai: So, Sanzo, what would you like to do now?

Sanzo: Hmm... Why don't you record the making-out of Gojyo? *Snickers and hands Hakkai a video camera*

After two hours, we head on to the next landmark, a nightclub. There, I asked Hakkai to go strip dancing for me. *Hearts*

(Video clip of Sanzo drooling while watching the censored show)

And, so we finally come here to the final destination, a remote cliff overlooking the town. Here, my instincts had a hold on me...

Hakkai: What are you doing, Sanzo?

Sanzo: I can't help it... I must have you, Hakkai!!

(Hakkai goes bug-eyed and the screen goes blank. And all the audience can hear are very yaoi sounds...)


	7. Nanda?

(Hibiemi drops Hakkai's hair into the glass of veela blood)

Hibiemi: One of the creatures here were poached from Harry Potter... and the songs Hakkai and Qui were singing were all from the Rocky Horror Show...

---

Qui: Let's get started...

(Nii gives Qui the book with the formula)

Qui: A glass of veela blood to charm my victim... A pig's penis to knock him out... A cup of stardust to make sure he sleeps tight... And the heart of a dog to make sure he stays loyal... This will be sooooooo good... (Throws all the potions into his/her cauldron)

Nii: So... Who's going to the cottage and who's preventing Hakkai?

Hibi *thinking*: Damn! What do I do, what do I do... If I take the job of preventing Hakkai, I'll be able to get him to the cottage without fail... But certainly they'll make me go to the cottage and deliver the goods to Sanzo... They know I can't screw up there since Qui will be hiding... Oh shit!!

Nii: What in heck are you thinking, traitor?

Hibi: Nan demo nai, Nii-hakase... *thinks* Sou ka!! *to Qui* Ne, Qui-sama... May I go to my room? I know I forgot something as usual...

Qui: Okay, okay... But make it snappy, we wouldn't like you to be late in giving the goods to Sanzo...

(Hibi rushes off into her room)

Hibi: Blueberry!

Blueberry: Meow?

Hibi: I want you to deliver this message to Hakkai... Don't worry. I know you're fast, so you'll deliver it on time...

Blueberry: Meow... *zooms off with the message*

(Hibi returns to the lab)

Qui: Well then, we now have our picnic basket of doom. Hibi, you deliver this to Sanzo. Give him either the cake, the beer or the yakisoba. After he falls asleep, drag him to the western oak and let me finish everything off. Nii, you find Hakkai and stop him from getting here. If nothing goes wrong, we should be able to get through with this...

(Meanwhile, at the woods where Prince Hakkai was waiting)

Blueberry: Meow...

Hakkai: A message... Hide at the eastern oak... Kiss Sanzo right away... If this plan doesn't work, throw Blueberry at Sanzo. Sanzo will wake up and look for you. Fortunately, I entered your DNA into the potion. He'll most probably awake when you kiss him. I'm not sure if Qui can wake him up since his DNA is almost identical to yours... I'll see if I can fix it up... Okay! Iku yo, Blueberry! We'll have to claim Sanzo...

(At the cottage)

Goku: Be careful, Sanzo!

Lirin: Lock the door, Sanzo!

Nataku: Order pizza, Sanzo! 

3 Monkeys: We secretly hate Sanzo's cooking...

(The 3 leave the scene and Hibiemi enters looking all innocent as usual)

Hibi: Ohayou, Sanzo!

Sanzo: Aren't you working with Qui?

Hibi (whispers): I'm a traitor... (aloud) And I threw those three monkeys off into who knows where...

Goku: Lirin, were are we?

Lirin: We've been thrown off into Tenjiku...

Nataku: @.@

Sanzo (whispers): Great. What do I do?

Hibi: I've got a can of beer, a strawberry cheesecake and some yakisoba with me. Which would you like to eat?

Sanzo (whispers): Are you sure things are going Hakkai's way?

Hibi (whispers): I'm certain... If Blueberry doesn't make you sane or if Hakkai doesn't kiss you, you're dead.

Sanzo: I'm taking the beer. No sweets or fried noodles, please... (drinks the beer and falls asleep)

(Hibi passes through the window to retrieve Sanzo's body)

Hibi: Geez... I wish my plan works...

Qui: It's about time... Hibi's taking Sanzo's body out of the house...

Hakkai: Good... I got here on time... Now, I'll have to steal Sanzo's body... *runs towards Hibi and takes Sanzo*

Hibi: Yoshi!!

Qui: TRAITOR!! You're a very disobedient girl, Hibi! 

Hibi: It's your fault! Ultima!!

(a bright ray tries to hit Qui, but he blocks it in time)

Qui: I'll deal with you later... *teleports to where Hakkai and Sanzo are*

(Sanzo is awake and was in the process of removing Hakkai's shirt)

Qui: Hakkai, I challenge you to a duel... Whoever wins gets Sanzo...

Sanzo: Hakkai... Be careful.

Hakkai: Don't worry, Sanzo... I'll be sure that the transvestite here fails... *smiles*

Qui: We shall have a musical duel!

*sings in black lingerie, black stockings and  black high heels* 

Don't get strung out by the way I look

Don't judge a book by its cover

I'm not much of a man by the light of day

But at night, I'm one hell of a lover...

I'm just a sweet transvestite! 

From transsexual Transylvannia! 

Hakkai: Let's see who's the better one!! *rips off his clothing to reveal a white version of whatever Qui is wearing*

Mamamamamamamamamamamamaaaaaaaaa...

I'm a wild and untamed thing!

I'm a bee with a deadly sting!

Get a hit and your mind goes ping!

You're heart will thump and your blood will sing!

So let the party and the sounds rock on

We're gonna shake it 'till the life is gone...

Rose tint my world keep me safe from my trouble and pain...

(Everyone joins in except for Hibi and Nii)

Everyone: 

We are wild and untamed things!

We are bees with a deadly sting!

Get a hit and your mind goes ping!

Your heart will thump and your blood will sing!

So let the party and the sounds rock on

We're gonna shake it 'till the life is gone...

Rose tint my world keep me safe from my trouble and pain...

We are wild and untamed things!

We are bees with a deadly sting!

Get a hit and your mind goes ping!

Your heart will thump and your blood will sing!

So let the party and the sounds rock on

We're gonna shake it 'till the life is gone...

Rose tint my world keep me safe from my trouble and pain...

Hibi: QUIETUS!! It's all over!! Your mission is over!! I'm your new commander! You now are my prisoner, we return to Transylvannia, PREPARE THE TRANSIT BEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!

Qui: Wait! I can explain!

-- To be continued --


	8. Arara! Don't tell me it's over!

Lirin: Many lines and songs were taken from the Rocky Horror Show :D

---

(The three monkeys enter the scene)

Nataku: I am the TOUSHIN TAISHI!! Desist!!

Hibi: Nataku.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

Hakkai: Nani?

Hibi: Nataku.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

Hakkai: Nani?

Hibi: Nataku.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

Hakkai: Nani?

Hibi: Nataku.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

*pause of silence*

Hakkai: Nani?

*another pause*

Qui: Piss-off.

Hibi: Whaaaaaaaat!?!

Qui: Pleeeeeeease, Hibi, just let me stay here and try to get close to Sanzo-sama... please?

Hibi: *sighs* Damn. When I said "we", I referred to me and Nii-hakase! You're supposed to stay here until you rot and die! But we can cut that time... With this! (pulls out a laser gun)

Goku: Abunai! She's got a laser!!

(Suddenly, everything goes into slow motion... Hibi pulls the trigger on the laser.)

Nii (throwing himself to save Qui in slow mo): Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

(The lazer zaps Nii in slow mo and finally Nii falls to the ground slowly. Things go back to normal speed.)

Hibi: Oh... How heroic...

(Hakkai dabs at his eyes)

Lirin: Nii-hakase...

Qui: He did that... for me?

(Everyone nods)

*A pause of silence*

Qui: Silly bastard... (Kicks Nii offset)

Nii: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! *thump*

Sanzo and Hakkai: There he gooooooooooooooooes....

Hibi: This time, I shall kill you for sure! (fires laser and everything is back in slow mo)

(Qui dodges the lazer beam matrix-style and it cuts down a tree and the tree comes down on Homura, who has accidentally entered the scene.)

(Everyone blinks)

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

Hibi: GRAVITATION!!

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

Hibi: GRAVITATION!!

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

Hibi: GRAVITATION!!

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

*a pause of silence*

(Sanzo and Hakkai go back to making out)

Goku: Aren't you supposed to be saying "GRAVITATION"?

Hibi: ........ YAMI NO MATSUEI!

Qui: Damn... Let's just go back to our home planet, my most kawaii subordinate!!

Hibi: Transsexual... 

...

...

...

...

Piss-off. Let's just stay and dance the time warp!

It's just a jump to the LEFT!!

(Everyone does the Time Warp)

Everyone: And a step to the right...

Qui: Put your hands on your hips...

Everyone: 

And bring your knees in tight...

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane!!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!

(Everyone takes curtain calls)

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!

(Everyone bows)

~Owari~


	9. It ain't over 'till the fat youkai sings...

Lirin: Many lines and songs were taken from the Rocky Horror Show :D

---

(Two monkeys and Homura enter the scene)

Homura: I am the TOUSHIN TAISHI!! Desist!!

Hibi: Homura.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

Hakkai: Nani?

Hibi: Homura.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

Hakkai: Nani?

Hibi: Homura.

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

Hakkai: Nani?

*pause of silence*

Hibi: Homura? I thought that was Nataku...

Lirin: Nii-hakase!

Sanzo: Goku?

*pause of silence*

Hakkai: Nani?

*another pause*

Qui: Piss-off.

Hibi: Whaaaaaaaat!?!

Qui: Pleeeeeeease, Hibi, just let me stay here and try to get close to Sanzo-sama... please?

Hibi: *sighs* Damn. When I said "we", I referred to Nii-hakase and me! You're supposed to stay here until you rot and die! But we can cut that time... With this! (pulls out a laser gun)

Goku: Abunai! She's got a laser!!

Hibi: Say "Goodbye" to all this!!

Everyone: Goodbye, all this!

Hibi: And "Hello" to OBLIVION!!

Everyone: Hello, oblivion! (bright smiles with well-choreographed wave) 

(Suddenly, everything goes into slow motion... Hibi pulls the trigger on the laser.)

Nii (throwing himself to save Qui in slow mo): Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

(The laser zaps Nii in slow mo and finally Nii falls to the ground slowly. Things go back to normal speed.)

Hibi: Oh... How heroic...

(Hakkai dabs at his eyes)

Lirin: Nii-hakase...

Qui: He did that... for me?

(Everyone nods)

*A pause of silence*

Qui: Silly bastard... (Kicks Nii offset)

Nii: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!! *thump*

Sanzo and Hakkai: There he gooooooooooooooooes....

Hibi: This time, I shall kill you for sure! (fires laser and everything is back in slow mo)

(Qui dodges the laser beam matrix-style and it cuts down a tree and the tree comes down on Nataku, who has accidentally entered the scene.)

(Everyone blinks)

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

Hibi: GRAVITATION!!

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

Hibi: GRAVITATION!!

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

Hibi: GRAVITATION!!

Nataku: Homura?

Homura: Nataku?

Sanzo: Hakkai! 

Hakkai: Sanzo!

*a pause of silence*

(Sanzo and Hakkai go back to making out)

Goku: Aren't you supposed to be saying "GRAVITATION"?

Hibi: ........ YAMI NO MATSUEI! What happened to Nataku?

*pause of silence*

Nataku: Homura mugged me on my way back here from Tenjiku.

Homura: I didn't do that!

(Nataku grabs Hibi's laser gun)

Nataku: Say "Goodbye" to all this!!

Everyone: Goodbye, all this!!

Nataku: And "Hello" to Jigoku!!

Qui: Hello, Pandemonium!!

(everyone looks at Qui)

Qui: Whaaaaaaaat?

Gojyo: Wrong lines...

Qui: When did you come in here?!?

Gojyo: I wanted to see some good porn... (takes a glance at Sanzo and Hakkai who are getting it on)

Qui: Damn... Let's just go back to our home planet, my most kawaii subordinate!!

Hibi: Transsexual... 

...

...

...

...

Piss-off. Let's just stay and dance the time warp!

It's just a jump to the LEFT!!

(Everyone does the Time Warp)

Everyone: And a step to the right...

Qui: Put your hands on your hips...

Everyone: 

And bring your knees in tight...

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane!!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!

(Everyone takes curtain calls)

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!

(Everyone bows)

~Owari~


End file.
